Original Article
Story by Dr. Cortney Warren, Contributor
Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive and evaluate feelings accurately in ourselves and in others.
The most emotionally intelligent people can access and evoke emotion, understand non-verbal cues, and regulate their feelings to build stronger relationships. As a Harvard-trained psychologist, I’ve seen firsthand how this is key to long-term professional and personal success.
So how can you tell if you need to work on these skills? If you use any of these seven phrases, you may have low emotional intelligence:
1. “I’m not changing. This is who I am.”
Emotional intelligence is associated with an ability to change over time as you learn and grow.
People with low emotional intelligence are often more rigid and will fight efforts to shift or evolve. Strong convictions are important, but so is being open to new possibilities.
What to say instead: “I need to think more about what you’re saying. I want to be open to feedback about myself, even when it’s hard to hear.”
2. “I don’t care how you feel.”
Having a blatant disregard for other people’s feelings is a sign of low emotional intelligence.
Displaying a lack of empathy for others, especially when they are going through a tough time, makes it hard to develop mutually beneficial, supportive relationships.
What to say instead: “I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling upset. How can I be helpful to you right now?”
People with strong emotional intelligence don’t blame the outside world for their feelings. They understand that their emotions are linked to how they internally perceive their circumstances.
Don’t miss: The No. 1 phrase used in successful relationships, say psychologists who studied 40,000 couples
Our emotions are not someone else’s responsibility to fix. They’re an opportunity to understand ourselves and set boundaries.
What to say instead: “I’m feeling very emotional right now. My perception of the situation is that …”
4. “You’re just wrong.”
When given feedback, emotionally intelligent people will make the effort to look for nuance.
Instead of getting stuck in extremes, they focus more on understanding the other person’s lived experience.
What to say instead: “I want to hear your perspective even when I don’t see things the way you do. Can you help me understand why you’re feeling this way?”
Being able to hear someone else’s experience without overreacting or taking it personally is a key sign of emotional intelligence. It means that you have a high sense of self-awareness and self-esteem.
What to say instead: “I understand you’re really struggling right now. Although I hear that you’re upset with me, I think that your reaction may have more to do with your past than it does with what I’m doing right now. Do you think that’s true?”
6. “I can’t forgive you.”
Emotionally intelligent people can put themselves in someone else’s shoes. This makes them more open to forgive the other person for any perceived mistakes, compared to someone who is less secure.
What to say instead: “I’m having a hard time forgiving you right now. But I’m actively working to let go of this resentment and anger, because I’d like us to be able to repair this and move forward.”
7. “Your feelings are irrational.”
People who are emotionally intelligent can interrogate their feelings, step outside themselves, and analyze the rational and irrational aspects of their thoughts.
They are also good at acknowledging other people’s feelings, even if they don’t quite get where they are coming from.
What to say instead: “I hear that you have strong emotions right now, and they are valid. I don’t fully understand why you feel this way or agree with your perspective on this situation, but I want to. Can you tell me more?”
Dr. Cortney S. Warren, PhD, is a board-certified psychologist and author of the new book “Letting Go of Your Ex.” She specializes in romantic relationships, addictive behavior, and honesty. She received her clinical training at Harvard Medical School after earning her doctorate in clinical psychology from Texas A&M University. Follow her on Instagram or Twitter @DrCortneyWarren.
My reply in the comments section:
#1 I’m not changing. This is who I am.
Are we allowed boundaries? “I don’t want a threesome with your ex. I’m not changing. This is who I am.”
#2 I don’t care how you feel.
Let’s stop enabling emotional blackmail; “I work 80 hours per week, and do all the housework other than the laundry, which you agreed to. This was your suggestion. I’m not going to do the laundry as well because you don’t feel like doing anything at all. I don’t care how you feel.”
#3 It’s your fault I’m feeling this way.
Are we allowed to call out ridiculous expectations? “I am feeling insecure because you constantly compare me to every photoshopped male supermodel and celebrity. You knew what I looked like when we started dating. Telling me multiple times per day that I don’t measure up to your new standard of attractiveness has been wearing me down over these last few years. These complaints are about things I can’t control. It’s your fault I’m feeling this way.”
#4 You’re just wrong.
Reality rears its ugly head again, and I don’t think I need to give another snarky example of someone having a factually wrong understanding of the universe, likely based on unrealistic expectations. Saying anything with intentional ambiguity can cause communication challenges. You’re just wrong for including this.
#5 Stop being crazy!
We’ve finally come to one that I almost agree with. If you truly feel that someone’s being crazy, especially on a regular basis, you need to extract yourself from the situation. No amount of overly empathic language will correct someone’s bad wiring or poor social conditioning.
#6 I can’t forgive you.
Let’s not make excuses for despicable, truly evil, or similarly heinous behaviour. “You murdered my family and you want me to forgive you? I think I’m morally justified in saying that I can’t forgive you.”
#7 Your feelings are irrational.
Does anyone actually say this? Seriously, stop being crazy!
Overall I give Dr. Cortney Warren 1 Kevorkian on RateMyShrink. Do not recommend.
Yes, I reused the 1 Kevorkian rating, and I’ll be using it in the future because it’s so awesome.
After I submitted my post, I was greeted with …
4/24/24
You’ve been banned due to violations of our guidelines.
Due to repeated violations of our community guidelines, your account has been restricted indefinitely. You will no longer be able to comment or post content to the community.
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Did I go too far? Was the snark a little too much? Please comment below!
10/27/2024 Silly me tried to get unbanned, and I couldn’t find a link to any form of appeal. I reported a broken feature, namely appeals, and I expect no/snarky reply, and possible legal action. I’m ready to lawyer up. #BringItBitches !